"Bryan behind Bars"

Your jovial antics won't work with us Mr McFadden. It's time to get serious. Swear again - we want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

Spats with So Solid and heinous cover versions - these are just two of the shocking pop crimes that have been brought to our attention. We've no other choice but bring BRYAM WESTLIFE in for questioning!

We've been told taht you're launching a new rock band. Is it time to admit you hate pop?
Bryan: I am Still doing pop! I'm just managing another band and writing and producing with them as well. I'm working on the album.

Does that mean your rock band's music is too dreadful to release?
Bryan: Rock's different from Pop, there are no time limits, it's just whenever you have the right material. We've got a lot of good stuff at the moment, but a lot of stuff that could be better. We want to make sure it's perfect, we don't just want to release four or five good songs - we want to make the perfect album.

Do you keep having to prove your manlieness by having babies - isn't one enough??
Bryan: I keep having babies because OK! and Hello Magazine pa me alot of money every time I have a baby! I'm going to have as many as I can fit into the house and it's a big house .... so 24 hopefully, ha-ha!

Kerry caused a commotion by busting out of her corset on TV, doesn't that concern you?
Bryan: No, not at all, she's got a great body. And I think she keeps it well Sellotaped anyway!

Have you ever told her to tone it down?
Bryan: She doesn't style herself and sometimes the stylist can put her in stupid things that are far to small for her bust and it makes her look a bit silly. Ninety nine per cent of the time she looks stunning, the only thing that doesn't make her look stunning is if someone puts her in something too tight that makes her boobs go above her neck! Normally she looks beautiful.

Our contacts tell us that you were ordered to lose some weight.
Bryan: I was the one that wanted to lose weight. Someone in America said, "You'll never break America if you don't lose weight," but I didn't lose it for America. Americans would be hypocrites to tell us to slim down when the average person there is overweight!

So do you contest that you don't need to diet?
Bryan: I don't diet, I just eat healthily now - I don't eat chips and rubbish. But I can't cook at all. Last time I was home with my friend, we had a cooked breakfast, a big fry up, and it set the oven on fire! The fire covered the whole house in dust. So no more cooking in my house, it's all takeaways!

Don't you care if people call you fat?
Bryan: No, I don't care. People can say what they want. People who critisise my weight are obviously just paranoid about themselves. I've been overweight all my life, so I'm not affected by it. Kerry loves me the way I am and Mollys does as well. I don't give a (bleep) about anyone else.

Did you fear revenge when you realised you'd drunkenly started a fight with So Solid at the BRITS?
Bryan: No, not at all. After I was dragged out I wanted to go back in to watch the rest of the show. I didn't realise what had happened until the next day. I didn't remember anything!

And you backed down. Why? Because you knew they'd whip you into submission?
Bryan: The next day I thought, "Oh (bleep) what have I done? How many of them were there?" I just remember seeing a small group and then all out of sudden I heart it was 30!

We put it to you Mr McFadden that it's time to cut down on all the wild partying.
Bryan: Yeah. I'm trying to cut down on drinks as part of my diet. I'm doing sport as well - a lot of football, a lot of golf and kickboxing. I want to be a little healthier.

We've seen picture evidence of you stumbling out of clubs. YOu haven't really given up the crazy nights have you?
Bryan: You always get a picture of me coming out of a club and they make out I'm some sort of alcoholic but I very rarely get really drunk.

Are you sure?
Bryan: That's the thing, the press take pictures of me making a funny face and they make out as if I was absolutely off my face! I get really annoyed. The paparazzi are really nice to you and it's the journalists that get the wrong Idea.

You verbally attacked Will Young's cover of Evergreen. How do you plead to the charge?
Bryan: Guilty... I still think it's crap. I hate it. I hate the song itself, I detest it - I didn't even want it on our album! And then when I heared him singing it, it was even worse. I just don't like Will Young's voice, he's a nice guy, but I don't like his voice.

It sounds like you're just jealous!
Bryan: I'm just being honest, he's a nice guy but he's just a got a voice I don't like. There are a lot of singers that people think are great but I just don't personally like them - he's one of them.

Was Simon Cowell a tyrant to work with?
Bryan: He's alright, he can be a bit self-indulgent but he's OK. He's very good at what he does.

Did you have any furious disputes in the studio?
Bryan: Loads of times, but that's the same as you'd have with your manager. He's a work colleague so we always have differences of opinion. We had plenty of arguments about songs we're going to do on the last album.

We take it he loved Evergreen?
Bryan: Yes, that was actually one of the arguments - I didn't want Evergreen on the album. But there are always arguments, nothingh serious.

Remember you are under oath. We'll ask you one more time, have you been telling the truth?
Bryan: No. Actually, yes. I have lied on the last question - you've askes me if I'd lied and I said no!

Mr Bryan McFadden, for a series of crimes against pop, the jury has found you guilty. You're hereby sentenced to 503 hours of community service, working as Simon Cowell's home help and listening to Will Young's Evergreen on loop.

Case closed!!