This features Brian from Placebo and Nicky from Westlife. This is
really pure fiction. I do not want to offend anybody with this.

The sun was shining and tickled my chest as I woke up. I felt so tired
and could not force myself to open my eyes. Why should I? I was just in
an other hotel, somewhere on the world, alone in bed. I hated it so
much to sleep alone. Of course, sometimes I took one of the hot girls with
me to my room. But I send them away shortly after the sex. I did not
want the girls to hope for more. God, I had my lovely girlfriend. And I
really loved her. It was just, that I needed the sex sometimes when I
was on tour with the other boys. I heard how somebody turned around in
the huge bed and I really got a shock. I thought I was alone... I was not
brave enough to open my eyes and to look who was in bed with me. But
then a hand stroked softly abouth my hair and a voice whisperd softly my
name. Fuck, this was not the voice of a woman. This was the voice of a
man. My heart stopped to work for a moment and the memories flashed
back into my brain. Of course, last night, this show, Brian, me, t!
he alcohol, Brian on my hip, his lips on mine, my hands under his
shirt, us together in the bed and finally us fucking. God, it was great. He
was better than every girl I fucked. His voice was so high when he
reached his orgasm. I really enjoyed it. But something was really wrong by
the whole thing. And I mean REALLY wrong... It was not wrong that Brian
started to flirt with me, I really understand him. I mean who would not
start to flirt with me? I tried not to chuckle too loud. The thing
which was really wrong, is that I am not gay. I am not bi, I am just
straight. Geez, I am as good as married. I turned around to look at Brian. He
was definatly very pretty. His pale skin was nearly white and he was
just adorable. His hand was still on my hair and his fingers played with
my hair, but he was still fully asleep. If he was not a guy, I would
not never let him go again, but he was a guy. For a moment I had to
control myself not to bend down and to kiss his forehand. I wanted !
to slip my tongue over this beautiful body, I wanted to feel h!
im again
. What was I for him? Surely just another fuck. He had fucked far more
persons than me would ever do. And I was sure, that he never loved one
of them. I stood up and searched my clothes on the floor. I dressed
fast and then I wanted to go and leave Brian alone. When I reached the
door I heard Brian saying: "Nicky, do not go." His voice was so sad that I
really wanted to run to him and to comfort him. But I just could not do
this, no matter how much I wanted to do it. I just turned around and
said in my most arrogant voice: "Bri-Pie, we just fucked not more. I do
not love you." With that I left the room and as soon as the door closed
I heard Brian screaming and crying. Probably he would destroy this
hotel room like he did with so many rooms before. It hurted so much to hear
him screaming like that. I did not want to hurt this wonderful
creature, as I reached the elevator, Brian was still screaming. And every
scream of him made me feel more pain inside me. As I entered the ele!
vator finally the tears came.

I sat in this huge hotel room and looked out of the window. The sky was
grey and it seemed as would it start to rain every moment. I was really
depressed and thought at my girlfriend, Georgina. She was a lovely
woman with long blonde hair, though she dyed her hair very often. Why did
not she come with me on this stupid PR-tour? I would had never done that
thing last night. It was the first time that I thought of Georgina
since last afternoon. Since I met Brian at the TV show, I was only able to
think at him. even when we were laying in bed together I did not think
of Georgina. How will she react when she find out what I did? I was
sure, that she would scream and threw things at me. I know that she would
fell very hurt and everything only for one fuck. I stood up and went
over to the bar, drank vodka and went over to the bathroom. I wanted to
take a shower to wash Brian`s smell away, when somebody knocked at the
door. For a moment I was scared that it could be Brian, but when!
I opened I saw Marc. I was very happy to see him, but all I said as
welcome was a harsh "What?" He looked at me for a moment till he
recognized that I was in a very bad mood. "I just wanted to come over for a
little chat." he explained and turned around to leave again. "Hey, wait.
I`m sorry. My mood isn`t the best today." said I and he came back and
walked into my room. He sat down on the couch and filled himself a glass
with vodka. I sat down on a chair and looked again out the window. I
thought at Brian and Georgina untill Marc interrupted my thoughts.
"What`s wrong?" he wanted to know. "Nothing. I just did not sleep very well
last night." I really wanted to tell him about the thing with Brian, but
was not brave enough. I did not want Marc to think, that I would fuck
around with other people while Georgina was waiting for me at home. Of
couse, everybody of us took from time to time a firl with him to the
room. But last night was different, it was a guy and not a girl. I !
shaked my head and heard Marc say something along the lines, t!
hat he h
ad a funny story to tell me. I looked at him and waited that he would
start to tell. He needed a little while to start, cause his story was so
funny, that he chuckled already before he started to tell the story.
After he had got his self control back he started: "I was at the pool a
hour ago. I layed in the sun and looked in the sky when I heard suddenly
a man screaming: *I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.* I thought
*holla* and looked back into the sky. For a few minutes it was very quiet
till window broke into pieces and the man screamed again something like
*He just left* and then another window of the same room went into pieced
and a bottle of whisky hitted the ground before me." He chuckled so
hard, that he needed a break. I just looked at him and I felt very dizzy
suddenly. It seemed as Brian was not more happy than me. Marc started
again: "I went into the hotel again and wanted to visit you, when I
passed the room with the screaming man and the broken windows. the do!
or was open and I saw this tall guy from this band, ehm.. Placebo, in
the show yesterday. What was his name again? Ah, yes, Stefan. Stefan
sat on the floor and hold the screaming guy, the singer ahh Brian??, in
his arms. The guy was still screaming, crying and kicked around with his
arms and legs. Looked funny. I said hello to both of them and Stefan
replied. I asked what happend, and Stefan just shrugged and said
something like Brian fucked with a guy yesterday night, but the guy left him
today morning." Marc was still chuckling when he entered. I felt very bad
for Brian. I had not expect him to be so upset about my words and
behaviour. For a moment we sat in silence, till I felt Marc`s eyes on me. I
looked at him and he looked back and asked ver slowly: "Nicky, when I
remeber right, then you left together with Brian the show studio
yesterday night." I stared at the floor and nodded, unable to speak. I closed
my eyes and heard how Marc said shit and then came over to me to!
comfort me.

After Marc left me I was alone again and layed on my bed and felt so
bad like never before. I wanted to go to Brian and talk with him about
yesterday night, but I also wanted to talk to Georgina. Georgina was too
far away at the moment, I could not phone her and say: "Hey Darling, I
fucked a guy yesterday night. It was great. bye Darling, I love you." I
shaked my head, stood up and left my room to go to Brian`s room. When I
arrived the door was open and some guy from the hotel cleaned the room.
I asked him where Brian was and he told me the new room number. He
sounded very angry. I left him alone and went to Brian`s new room. I was
surprised and shocked at the same time to see that the room was not far
away from mine room. I knocked at the door and waited till Brain opened
me. He looked very bad, his eyes were red and his mascara had left
black circles under his eyes, his hair was messy and he wore only a
terrible huge white XXL shirt. I could not see any trousers. I looked !
at him till he hissed: "What?" I looked at him and had to admit that
he still looked adorable in his state and with this angry impression on
his face. "Uhm, can we talk?" I asked. He sniffled and then let me in.
I walked into his room and sat down on the couch. He stood at the
window and looked out. We did not spoke, he stood with his back to me the
whole time and I started to wonder if he wore a slip under his shirt.
After what seemed to be hours but were only minutes he sat down on a chair
and pulled his knees to his body. As he sat in this pose and looked at
me with his angry eyes I saw that he wore a black slip. I have to
admit, that I was really disappointed. He saw that I looked at him and
started to feel uncomfortable so he stood up again, only to sat down a few
seconds later. This time he crossed his legs. Brian took his cigaretts
from the table and litted one. He looked so damn sexy as I smoked. I
just wanted to be with him again. As he could read my thoughts he wh!
isperd in a very aggressive voice: "Ya know, I`m not a cheap w!
hore." I
t was the first time that he looked straight at my eyes. I stood up and
walked to him. When I stood in fronmt of him I said: "I know." And
bended down to kiss softly his black, short hair. He did not turned away,
he just sat there and did nothing. I took this as good sign and started
to kiss him on the mouth and then to slip my tongue into his mouth. I
kissed him everywhere and after we snogged for a while, we layed down on
the couch and I started to undress him. I missed his body so much.
"I`ve feelings." He whispered after a while. I looked at his eyes and
whisperd back. "I know." I fucked him this night again.

I woke up very early at the next mornig. Brian was cuddled up next to
me and I could feel his warm breath on my naked chest. I stroked his
hair softly and thought at Georgina. I wanted to call her last night, but
of course I forgot it. I was busy. But she would not belive me. She
knew all the dates when we had a gig for sure and she would not belive me
when I would tell her that I was been busy. She would assume that I
fucked an other girl. She was one of the jealous type. I rolled my eyes
and turned around to give Brian a quick kiss on the nose and then to stay
up. Just when I reached the door Brian woke up and hissed in a very
angry voice: "Do you want to leave me again?" I turned around and smiled
my best "baby - I am a good boy" smile at him and shaked my head. I left
the room and heard how he shrieked words, whcih I do not want to
repeat. A few minutes later he came into the kitchen, where I drank a coffee.
He stood in the door frame with his hands on his hips and looke!
d very tired. "It`s far too early in the morning." he stated and it
looked like he would fall over every moment. "Why do you stay up, when
you are still so tired?" "`coz some strange guy woke me up and I was
scared he would leave me again." he said and looked at me, trying not to
close his eyes. "Well, later or earlier I have to leave you again." I
looked at him and tried to read his mind. I did not wanted to build up a
relationship with Brian, but it seemed as he wanted more than just a
quick fuck in the spare time. He did not reacted at all, he just shrugged
and went back into his bed. I started to tidy up the hotel room, it was
very messy after last night. I always tidy up when there is nothing
else to do. So it`s no wonder that I leave all my hotel rooms very, very,
very clean. It took a hour till everything looked suitable again. When
I had nothing else to do I decicded to talk to Brian. He had to know
that I was as good as married and normally 100 % straight. I opened!
the door and it seemed as Brian would be asleep. He layed wit!
h his ti
ny back to me and from time to time he moved his foot. It looked funny.
I walked over to him and sat down on the bed. As soon as I sat he
hissed: "What do you want?" I looked the first time at his pretty face and
recognized that he was crying. "Why are you crying?" "You do not care."
he sniffled. "Yes, I do." I got a little bit angry. "No, you don`t."
"Brian, please, don`t be so childish." "Fuck you." Geez, this was not
really easy. Knowing he would not tell me I left the room and closed the
door behind. I sat down at a chair and played with Brian´s pack of
cigaretts. What have I done wrong? First I was unfaithful to my girlfriend
and then the guy with I fucked is childish and is crying his eyes out.
It did not matter what I did. There would always be one person who would
be very upset and hurt. I thought at Georgina. She was a beautifull
girl, I loved her. I did not wanted to hurt her. I stood up again and
walked back to Brian. He layed in the same position and he did not r!
eact when I sat down on the bed. I stroked his hair and he closed his
red eyes. He just enjoyed the soft touching. I waited a while before I
started to speak. "Ya know, Brian, I like you very much, very much...
but..." "I`m a guy." he interrupted me and started to cry again. I was a
little bit confused but decided to ignore his tantrum. "No, that`s not
the point... The point is, that I love my girlfriend, too..." He looked
up to me with huge shocked eyes: "You have a girlfriend and fuck me?"

"Uhm, yes. What`s wrong with it?" As soon as the words left my mouth I
could hit my head for it. Brian looked at me checking If I was unsane.
Then he jumped out of the bed and started to throw another tantrum. He
ran around and screamed all the time at me. He wanted to know if I was
unsane or if my girlfriend knows it and if he was stupid not to feel
that I have a girlfriend. He kept screaming for minutes and minutes.
Finally I just layed on the bed looking at his nice body. He looked
adorable in this moment. He waved his hands in the air like he wanted to beat
the air. When he finished he stood in front of me with his hands on his
hips. "Finished?" I asked him and he opened his mouth to continue his
speech. I took his hands in my hands and pulled him down on the bed next
to me. I layed him down softly, so that he was laying on his back and I
was kneeling over him. He strungeld to get free, but (of course) I was
stronger than he. He was really weak, like a little girl.. "Wha!
t the fuck...?" he hissed but I did not allowed him to continue, cause
I kissed him on the mouth so he had to stop speaking. He kept
strungling on only for a moment and then he lost his self in my kiss.
When I broke finally away I stroked his hair out of his face and
whispered into his left ear: "Listen Bri, I really like you, I`m crazy about
you and I want to be with you. But I just can`t broke up with my
girlfriend..." "Where`s the problem, Nicky? Your girlfriend doesn`t need to
know about us." He giggled like a child, who had a secret. "Yeah,
probably you are right." I started to kiss him again and I had made my
decission. Georgina did not have to know about Brian. I mean I fucked
groupies, too, and I was sure she knew it. The thing with Brian was only a
little bit different. I loved him like I loved Georgina. Probably at this
very moment a little bit more. I looked in his grey, deep eyes and knew
that it was right what I did. If Georgina would know him, she would
understand me. Brian`s hand opened my trousers and interrupted my
thoughts. We fucked again this night.

And after this night came the morning where our bands left in two
different directions. Brian and me did not speak much together. Brian was
busy to find his complete lullage, which seemed to had disappered, till
Steve told him that it was already in the tourbus. But then Brian went
totally crazy and threw one of his famous tantrums, that he need other
clothes and his make up bag. So one of their crew searched after Brian`s
bag and Brian nearly cried. When he got his bag back, his band mates
and their complete crew looked already very pissed. Brian just shrugged
and went back into his hotel room. That was my chance to speak to him
alone, so I knocked on the door, only to get an angry *NO!* "Okay, then I
go now." was my answer and then I heard fast steps inside the room and
a second later the door opened and Brian smiled his greatest
*I-am-helpless-so-help-me* smile at me. I entered the room and Brian already hang
at my neck and placed kisses on my lips. He whispered something!
, that he will miss me, that we have to phone each day once, no not
once, twice or threetimes, that we have to visit each others, that he
will miss me and that he love me with his whole heart. I just stood there
and was a little bit shocked. I was not married to this guy. I just
liked him very much. Suddenly Brian broke away, ran to his bag, threw
things into it and ran out of the room. He turned around and looked with
teary eyes a last time and then ran out of the hotel and jumped into the
tour bus and drove away. Wow, this guy was a little bit strange.

The months went away and I haven´t heard very much from Brian. Well.,
okay, we tried to have contact to each other, but then Brian decided
that it was too depressing for him, and with that our relationship was
over. I did not tell Georgina at all, there was no reason for telling her.
But I have to admit that I often thought at Brian. So Westlife was
invited to this very huge party from one English music mag. First of all I
wanted not to go, but I had to go. So I went to it and as soon as I
entered the huge hall and dotzen of jounalists ran to me and started to
speak all together. I could only understand words like Brian, Placebo,
Sex, Molko, gay, diary, how long, Georgina etc. I did not know what to
do, when Shane grabbed my arm and went with me to the toiletts. There he
closed the door and started to go up and down. From time to time he
looked at me. I´ve felt like some stupid pupil with his teacher. After
some time Shane asked me, if Georgina knew. I just shaked my hand an!
d he rolled with his eyes. A question in my head build up... Where
told the press this??? Brian himself? Why should he do that? Well, he had
not to lose anything, and promotion is always good. But he knew, that I
had to lose everything. Brian could be a pain in the ass, but he would
never do harm to a person on purpose. or the person had to do harm on
brian before. But I did not. I decided to talk to him. For a moment,
I´ve decided to phone him, but then I guessed, that it would be better to
talk to him directly. So I´ve told Shane, that I had to go. He nodded
and left me alone. after some minutes I´ve left the toilette and made my
way through the crowd of the press people. I drove home to Georgina,
and told her that I had to do an important travel. She screamed at me
that she knew what I had done and called me fag. I did not care. I wanted
to talk to Brian, and if he had told the press, I wanted to beat the
shit out of him. I grabbed some things like clothes etc and left. !
I´ve heard like Georgina cried and screamed. Wow, she was near!
ly so go
od like Brian. I drove to the airpot and was happy to see that a plane
to London left in 55 minutes. So I´ve waited a few more minutes and
then checked it. 2 hours later I arrived in London. and as soon as I stood
there and waited for a taxi it started to rain. It remebered me of a
song of Placebo´s new lp. English summer rain. the text goes like this:
*Always stays the same/ Nothing ever changes/ English summer rain/ Seems
to last for ages/ I'm in the basement/ You're in the sky/ I'm in the
basement baby/ Drop on by/ Hold your breath and count to ten/
Then fall apart then start again/ Hold your breath and count to ten/
Start again start again/... that was to much for me. I fall on my kness
and looked ito the sky and just screamed "Fuck you, Brian." or "what did
you do?" or "why?" I screamed over and over again. I`ve felt so lonely
like never before, I even did not bothered what the people thought. I
dunno how long I sat there. but after it I was so wet and I looked like
some scary people, that I was not brave enough to take the cab. I`ve
started to walk and somehow I`ve managed to find the way to Brian`s flat.
I`ve rang and waited. after a few seconds I´ve heard Brian`s little
bouncey steps inside. "funny", I thought "he`s still awake." it was 4 AM.
He opened and gazed at me for a second. "nicky?" he asked, he sounded
indeed very surprsied. "fuck! Brian, what did you do?" I`ve started to
scream and pushed him inside. I screamed, screamed, screamed and
screamed. I did not recognized how scared and surprised he was. he stoo!
d with his back against a wall, unable to move, because I was in his
way. tears started to scream down his face and he started to plead for
me to stop. but I could not stop, Brian was so scared but that even
couraged me to scream louder. And suddenly, before I knew what I did, I
hitted Brian into the face. He fall to the floor and stared at me. His
nose started to bleed. For a moment it was so quiet, that you could nearly
hear the the tears rolling down brian`s face. and then I realized what
I did. I was so shocked. Normally I was not aggressive, and normally I
would not hit a person at all. I looked at Brian, who still did not
dared to breathe. I knelt down next to him and for a moment I hestiated
for a moment and then took my arms around him. I pulled him to me and
could feel that he was shivering. His body was full of tension. I guess he
waited for the next hit. I gently stroked his tears away and hugged him
tightly. He relaxed and started to cry. I´ve said nothing, but !
sorry. over and over again. I dunno how long we sat there, but!
after a
while he said: "it`s okay." that was the moment when I started to cry.
he stroked my back and tried to calm me down. I´ve told him what
happened and he said nothing. He just hide his face in my shirt and hold my
hand in his. oh my gawd, I´ve missed him.

I`ve told him about the press people, and he was as much surprised like
I was before. He said he had not told anyone about us, only stefan and
steve, his bandmates. I believed him. There was no reason not to
believe him. We talked for a while and then Brian stood up to wash his face,
I went after him and while I watched him how he washed the blood away,
that I caused, something inside me broke in pieces. It was the saddest
thing I´ve ever saw. He looked so fragile in this moment, like a doll.
If I could only turn time back, but I could not. So I went over to
Brian and took the towel out of his hands and helped him to clean his face.
When I was finished, I kissed him on the nose, then on his mouth and
then I sucked at his neck. He put his arms around my waist and pressed
his hips against my body. Our lips met and my tongue explored the inside
of his mouth. He stroked my hair and whisperd sweet words. I´ve missed
him so terribly, without knowing it. I wanted to be one with him!
again. I took his hand and led him into his bedroom. we layed down
and kissed again. His hands found their way inside my trousers and
stroked softly my dick. "Bri, please lemme fuck ya." I wasn`t able to speak
properly anymore. But he just grinned and stood up. He left the room and
I heard him giggling. BAAAASTAAARD. I just layed on his kingsized bed
and stroked myself. "oh, what a pretty sight." Brian came back with a
bottle of sparkling wine in his hand. he sat down again and opened the
bottle without problems. He gave me the bottle and I took a sip, I passed
the bottle to him and he took a few sips. then he put it on the floor
and stood up again. He went over to a cupboard and grabbed a little box.
He came back to me and sat down in my lap. I`ve stroked his back and
kissed his neck. He smelled so good. He opened the box and I saw that it
contained weed. "mind you when I smoke a joint?" I shaked my head and
watched Brian how he prepared his joint. it did not took him lon!
g. After he had dragged a few times, he gave it to me and I dr!
agged a
few times, too. we both layed down. hand in hand. I was not horny
anymore. I just wanted to be together with brian. I would not mind if we
would lay like this forever, as long as I could be together with brian. I
pulled brian closer to me and saw that he was nearly asleep. I looked
at the clock. 5.57 AM.

We woke up at 1 PM and all we did nothing, but chilling. We were to
lazy to stay up and I was afraid to do anything, cause I felt that I had
to phone Georgina first. Wahat should I´ve told her? That I had a very
charming night with Brian? Nono, I could not do that, so I was
thankfully to be able to stay in bed. I´ve read a book by poppy z. brite and
Brian played on his guitar and tried to get a new song together, but what
he did sounded not very appealing to my ear. He gave up after half a
hour and layed down on my stomach. We talked for a while about books till
the phone rang and Brian stayed up to answer. I´ve heard, that Brian
told the person at the phone something about the stupid press, bad
things, his fault, georgina and me. I guessed that it was either Stef or
Steve. When Brian came back he looked at me and told me that the English
yellow press had printed *our story* in nearly every silly magazine. He
rolled his eyes and layed down in my lap again. I stroked his hair!
and for a moment my heart stopped to work. Placebo would get no harm
beacuse of this story, but this could be the end of Westlife. What if
all my fans thought I was gay and would play games with my girlfriend?
That`s not the image a boygroup need. I never thought that I could
destroy the band with this whole brian affair. I could not do that to my
buddies. "Brian, I`ve to go. I guess I should explain things to my
mates.", I`ve said and looked at Brian who just layed there and looked at the
wall, slowly he nodded. I catched some air, there was still a thing in
my mind, which I should tell Brian. "I guess, it`s better for us, when
we won`t see us again for the months." I looked at him, waited for a
reachtion to come. But his face stayed the same. After some time he
shaked his head and corrected me. "You mean, better for y o u." I nodded and
hated myself in this moment. Somehow I had a habbit for hurting people
I loved or liked. "Please go now." Brian said and I know that he !
had to fight hard, so that he would not lose his self-control.!
I hurri
ed up and left. I looked a last time at Brian to check if I could leave
him. He layed at his bed and hugged a pillow. He looked at something I
could not make out. I decided to phone Stef, before I leave, and tell
him to come over to look after Brian. Stef came ten minutes later. He
told me, that it´s not mine fault, and that things will work out. I
smiled at him and left.

The days, weeks and months went away and I did not talked to Brian
again. Though I have to admit that I spyed on him. He became what is called
a rock whore. He fucked with everybody, not caring about the person
behind the naked body in the bed. He consumed more drugs than ever before
and I was worried to death about him. But I just was not brave enough
to give up my well sorted life. Georgina forgave me and we were still a
pair. We never talked about Brian, but I guess, she knew that I have
not forget him. I loved him. I wanted him to know it. I wanted him to be
sure that I was here for him, but that he had to do the first step,
beacuse I could not do it.
In a lonely night in some annonymus hotel I´ve started to write a song.
I´ve called it "You make me feel"

I've been trying to reach you
'Cause I got something to say
But you're talking about nothing at all
And you're slipping away

We were crying together
It was a long time ago
Before you walk out the door
And leave me this way
Just hear what I say

:: Chorus ::
You make me feel, you make me real
For the rest of my days, in so many ways
You make me feel

I've been trying to leave you
Why should we go on like this?
But my heart can't breathe
When I hear you say
It's better this way

:: Repeat Chorus ::

Ten thousand light years away from you
Keep thinking maybe its time to let go
But by the end of the day
I still want to say 'DO YOU'

(You make me feel)
You make me feel(Oooh)
You make me real(So real)
For the rest of my days, in so many ways
You make me feel

I've been trying to reach you (You make me feel)
'Cause I got something to say (You make me real)
For the rest of my days, in so many ways
You make me feel

It became our next single and was very sucessfull. I hoped so much
Brian would listen to it and know that it was written for him. He just had
to know it. I´ve waited and waited and nothing happened.

Then some months later I went shopping on my own. I love being in the
city all alone. You can take the time you need to choose the right
clothes and don´t need to hurry up. So I stood in the middle of the shop,
deciding between a red and a blue shirt, when I saw a familiar back
looking after boxershorts. For a while I was thinking who the guy was, but
then suddenly I knew it. BRIAN! I took both shirts and went over to
Brian. He did not noticed me, so I just stood next to him, thinking why HE
bought BOXERSHORTS. He had two in his hands. One with Donald Duck and
one with Pink Panther on them. After some time I could not take it
anymore. "Hey, Brian." I said and he turned around to look at me with
shocked eyes. "Ni.. Nick.. Nicky?" He said, more asking. "Yepp, that`s me.
What are you doing here? Wanna have some coffee?" I offered to him,
hoping he would say yes. He smiled his georgeus smile at me and nodded.
Together we went to pay. We did not talked, I guess we were both in a !
shock. After we left the store, we were hit by the crowd of the rush
hour. Suddenly I felt Brian`s hand in mine. I smiled and squised it
gently. So we made our way through the crowd, me pushing people to the
sides with one hand and with the other I pulled Brian behind me.

Finally we arrived in the small french cafe. We sat down at a table,
which stand a littlebit upsides. For a while we did not speak and Brian
even did not bother to look in the menu. I looked what I would take and
decided me for a capuchino. I wanted to pass the menu over to Brian,
but he just smiled at me and shrugged. So we waited for the waiter. It
seemed to last for ages till he came, I felt very uncomfortable with
Brian next to me. He looked at all the other people but not at me. It
seemed as he was not aware of my presence. It made me feel even more
uncomfortable. Finally the waiter came and asked us what we wanted. Brian took
a water. When the waiter left Brian glarred at his ass and whispered
something ununderstandable. I heared something with ass. I could imagine
the rest. Brian smiled at me and litted a cigarette. I watched him
smoking. His fingers surrounded the cigarette and his lipstick left a dark
red mark on it. He was lost in his own thoughts and did not know !
I watched him. He did not look very healthy, his skin was even paler
than usual, he was scaring thin and his eyes did not sparkle like they
did normal. I wanted to ask him if everything was okay, holding him and
listening to him. But it seemed to be unpossible. He acted so cold
towards me. I already regreted it to offered this to him. I dunno what I
wanted. After some minutes the waiter came and brought our drinks. Brian
starred at his ass again and turned then to me. He looked in my eyes
and just asked how I was. I´ve answered, I would feel fine. That was the
greatest lie ever. I´ve felt like shit. "Lucky you." said Brian and I
know he meant it and he wanted me to ask how his life was, but I did not
want to act like he wanted. So I did not ask. We fell into silence
again. He drank his water fast and then smiled at me. "I guess, it´s better
for me to go now." said he and stood up. I looked at him and he looked
back. He leand towards me and gave me a shy kiss on the cheek. T!
hen he turned around and left. "Brian!" I got to my feet, know!
ing that
if I would let him go now, I would lose him forever. He turned around
and looked at me, his whole appearence was so shocking in this moment.
He looked even smaller than usual. "Was that everything?" asked I and
went to him. When I stood in front of him, he looked up to me and
hesitated for a moment. "I don´t know." said he and then he whispered so
quiet that it was hard to hear: "But I hope not..." I took him in my arms
and stroked his back, feeling all the tension running out of his body.

I don´t know why, but suddenly we were in my small hotel room. We did
not do much. We watched some tv and drank tea. English tea. And I knew
(once again) that I wanted to be together with Brian for the rest of my
life. The only problem was (once again) Georgina. I could not choose
between those two. They were too different but at the same time so
similiar to each other. If I could only love those two at the same time. I
was not brave enough to break up with one of them. Georgina was a part of
my life, we know each other since we were small and it was obvious that
she was my life. But on the other hand I knew that Brian needed me. And
I wanted to be there for Brian. Only because I enjoyed the time with
him more than anything else. It was intressting to spend time with Brian.
I can´t explain my feelings for him. I remember that I hold him in my
arms whild drifting into sleep this night. And while I listened to his
breathing, I was asking myself why the hell did Brian buy boxer!
shorts?
The next morning, I woke up alone. The bed felt so empty and I felt so
used. Why did he left again? It felt like he was running away from me.
My hand touched the other side of the bed, it was still warm. He did
not wake up much earlier than me. And still he had not managed to stay a
little longer. Well, it seemed to me that he did not need my company at
all. But next time I would meet him, I would avoid him more than
anything else. Perhaps he hoped he could get a quick fuck from me. Bastard.
If I would be better at showing my feelings I would have cried in this
very moment. I wished so much I could cry like Brian, to show the world
my feelings. But I could not even show my feelings to myself. And
suddenly I felt a gaze on me. I turned around to see Brian staying in the
doorframe with a tablet in his hand. And on this tablet bread, jam,
coffee, cheese, milk and so on. I looked at Brian like he was Jesus and he
looked even more stupidly back. "Why are you looking so sad?" he a!
sked and sat down at the bed, putting the tablet between us. I could
not help, but in this moment, I took him in my arms and hugged him and
started to cry. I could feel, that Brian did not know what happened, but
he let me squize him like mad and stroked my back and whispered soft
words in my ear. When I had some of my self control back, he asked me if
I did not like his breakfast and sounded a little bit pissed off. But I
told him, that I thought he had left, and he swore to me, that he won´t
leave me. I could not have been happier.
Sadly Brian had to leave the very next day. I nearly cried. I did not
want him to leave me all alone. but then again I was not alone. I still
had Georgina. But how could I be happy with brian being so far away. I
envied Stefan and Steve só much. they could see Brian whenever they
wanted and I, Brian´s lover, had to wait so long.
But I also survived those months. And perhaps I wish now, I would not
have met Brian so fast again.

It was an award show, like all the others. Me, Georgina and Kian stood
upsides and watched all the pretty people walking past us. Georgina got
all excited over the pretty dresses and she just got on my nerves with
all her "OH!"`s and "Awww"`s. So I stood there, drinking my sparkling
wine and wondered when I would be allowed to leave. And then I heard
him. Brian. My man. He screamed: "NIIICKY!!!" and ran to me. His arms
wrapped themself around my neck and his small body hang around my body. I
stopped breathing, I saw how his lips came nearer and nearer and I just
wanted to die. He could not kiss me here. Not now. Not with georgina
standing next to me, to us. I saw his pretty full lips, heard him
screaming, and then I felt his lips on my cheek. After this small buddy like
kiss he stood like a normal human being again in front of me, hands on
his lips, smiling at me. I looked at him. He looked good, much more
better than last time I saw him. He wore a tight black pinstripe suit!
. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to undress him. I´ve looked at him
and knew he felt the same way. We starred at each other, mentally
undress us and suddenly Georgina interrupted my thoughts. "Don´t you want to
introduce us, Nicky?" "Well, ahem, yes." I did not find the right
words. "Uhm, Georgina this is Brian, Bri this is Georgina." I looked in
Brian eyes and saw that something just died inside him.
Georgina looked at me and I felt her glare on me. I know what she was
thinking. I know she would have beat the shit out of me if she could.
but she just said: "Oh Brian. Brian. It´s nice to meet you." Her voice
sounded so bitchy like only she could sound like. They shaked hands and
then Brian left again. He said nothing. He only looked at me while
turning around. And his eyes at my eyes hurted more than everything else.
When the crowd swallowed him Georgina started to threw a scene. "I
thought you had stopped fucking... HIM. I´ve thought you had turned to be
straigt again. How could you!!!! Don´t say anything! It´s over! Go and
fuck this... B O Y!" She also turned around and left. People looked at me.
I just wished the floor would open and swallow me. After a couple of
seconds I ran after Georgina catching her outside. "Wait. Wait.
Georgina!!! WAIT!" And she turned around and looked at me with hurted eyes. They
say the eyes are the door to the soul, it´s so right. At least b!
y Georgina and Brian, by the only two people I ever will love in my
life. And in this moment I exactly knew why I love Georgina. She is the
most prettiest woman alive. She´s so hot and full of charisma. She stood
there on her highheels and in her minirock with her bag around her
hand, looking lost. I was standing next to her when she whispered: "Why?
Nicky why? Everything was so perfect. Why?" I took her in my arms. She
felt like a porcelian doll. And while we stood there like in a bad kitsch
movie, I started to explain everything to her. I explained my ffeling
for her and for Brian. I promised her to leave her never alone, but also
told her that I could not leave Brian alone. I said that she was the
most prettiest woman on earth. And I stopped counting how many times I
said 'I love you'. We totally forgot the time and did not even move when
it started to rain. I was too much afraid to destroy this very special
moment. But after some time we both felt a glare on us. And aft!
er some more minutes I saw Brian sitting on the street with a !
vodka bo
ttle in his hands and crying like a little puppet. I squished Georgina
a last time and then left her alone to go over to Brian. I knew it was
okay. I knew Georgina understood me now. I sat down next to Brian,
taking him in my arms and slowly removing the bottle (which was as good as
empty) out of his hands. I pressed his head gently against my chest.
His whole body was wet and he was cold like ice. After some minutes he
looked at me and said: "I´m so sorry. Nicky. I´m so sorry, so sorry.
Please. Please, forgive me." And then again he just cried. I was so shocked
that I did not recognized Georgina standing next to me. She sat also
down next to Brian and gently stroked his hair. He looked surprised at
her and wanted to say something, but she interrupted him: "It´s okay,
don´t worry." I was so happy like never before in my life. Some minutes
later we took a cab together. And while I took place next to the driver
Georgina and Brian sat on the backseat. Brian was lying with the h!
ead on Georgina´s lap and was nearly asleep due to the alcohol. She
stroked gently his hair and was totally lost in her own thoughts. I have
to admit that I envied both of them very much. But I was happy and it
seemed like everything would turn out to be good.